||[Oct. 5th, 2011|12:22 am]
I don't want to be all miserable but I really need somewhere to rant about all my pent up anger and feelings.
I'm angry at how I'm so egoistic.
Egoistic as in I don't like people to look down or think I'm not capable of doing anything.
I want to be good at everything because I can't help but accept every challenge that comes to my face.
I'm trying so hard on my diet.
I want to get rid of my weight to be a better soccer player and not look like a fat disgusting human being.
I feel terrible when I'm with everyone around me.
I want to change myself to suit me better.
I 've been studying alot.
I don't like it, but I don't want to let my parents down.
Everyone's also telling me 'I'm smart'.
How can I not push myself to meet all these expectations?
I want to believe that I'm good, that I'm of good use.
But I fall ill all the time due to the stress.
Then here goes 'Apple, take care of yourself. You should stop doing this.'
Fuck no, I'm not gonna stop.
Don't look at me as though I'm weak. I know I can fucking do this.
I've already come this far, there's no turning back.
I know that I should think about what's best for myself and what makes me feel better.
But how can I when all of this is being shoved into my face and the only way for me to feel accomplished is to take on these tasks?
What do I want?
I have support from my parents which I'm grateful for. I can't let them down.
But when you have a sister that tells you that you'll fail your major exams, which you've been in school for 5 years and studying for, how is it helping?
I'm not in a good stream that's why I'm in Secondary school for 5 years instead of 4.
I did well and came back for a 5th year to get into a better school when I leave.
Here she is telling me that I shouldn't even be in the 5th year cause I will FAIL it.
Fuck this, it's fucking affecting me.
I don't hate her, but I've been helping her when she needs me and this is what she says?
I don't have an older sibling since I'm the oldest of the 4 kids.
Did I have an older brother or sister to guide me?
I don't want to have to be dependable on anyone that's why I'm really doing my best.
Even though I'm sick with a fever right now, I'll keep pushing myself.
3 more weeks till it officially starts.
I just pray and hope I don't collapse again.
I can't afford to.